Selfishness

I've been thinking a lot about selfishness. I know that I can be selfish in a lot of things - with my time, friends, home, stuff, money, etc. I know ways that I have been specifically selfish lately. So, as this blog continues, please don't think that I think only other people are selfish and I'm the self-less one; I don't think that.

But I have been thinking a lot about selfishness. I have a friend whom I love, but who has always been a little self-involved. Not enough to correct, but sometimes just cluelessly about "her" or in action doing things that hurt other people that she thinks is "cute". Don't get me wrong, she is a great friend, and we have spent some seriously deep time together walking through life. She has cared about me and spent time with me, and I have cared about her and spent time with her. However, some recent circumstances have magnified the "self-involvement" to a large degree - or seemingly.

And then there are blogs. I just realized (maybe I should have a long time ago) is that they are often selfish. Mine is all about me and my life experience. Granted, for my friends, who I don't speak with often I think they like that they can get an update. But I don't just use it for updates anymore. I often use it for thoughts/reflections/experiences. Which means its all about me. And I wonder how much of the rest of my life is all about me.

In my struggle with my friend whose selfishness is so evident and painful to me and others, I find that I become more selfish when I'm with her (and in my thought life regarding her). My chief complaint is, "she doesn't even ask how I am, or when she does and I start to answer she interrupts with her own stuff and doesn't listen to me." yikes- how pouty and selfish sounding. Its to the point (my depravity) where I'm tired of listening to her. When we're together all I hear about is her life and the various hard spots she finds herself in (mostly due to her own choices) and hard decisions (which are generally not life-threatening) - and here's where selfishness takes its prisoner......... I'm tired of lstening to her talk about herself because she isn't listening to me talk about myself.

D'oh.

Selfishness breeds selfishness.

Now granted, I've tried to just listen to her, I really have tried. But she goes in circles of self-pity and self-involvement and even when she's hurt someone (and I bring it up back-door) she laughs it off as something "she just does". Thats my excuse for not wanting to listen anymore.

But in my head the real reason is that relationship is built on reciprocity. And right now with my friend I don't have that. I have her speaking about her in my face.... and me speaking about me in my head.

In relationship: I care so much about YOU that I don't need to share about what's going on in my life - I just want to hear about YOU; and YOU care so much about ME that you don't need to share. And in the end BOTH people share equally. I care so much that I ask you about specific things you've mentioned. And YOU care so much that you ask me about specifics. And when one of use brings up something uncomfortable or says, "I think that you are making a mountain out of a molehill" or "both decisions are fine, just pick one" the reciever of those words doesn't think you are arguing or being mean, they see that that person cares about them and their life, but is also putting some perspective on the issue, or is simply saying in the least offensive way, "get OVER yourself - life is bigger than what you are talking about."

And then I consider blogs and that its all about me. And I think of my friend's blogs and they are all about them (but I like it because I love hearing about their life experiences, especially on "my own time" - since some of them live 2000 miles and 2 hours difference away).

And so I see my own selfishness, selfprotectiveness, selfinvolvement. And I'm grieved that I am supposed to represent the Lord and yet I operate in these ways which are so opposite of how Jesus walked.

Our model is Jesus', and Paul says that we should aim for peace and mutual edification.

So Lord, give me strength today to be a reconciler, and the grace to consider others better and more interesting than myself.

Love, Tiff