Just sad today.
For those of you out there who get my "regular" updates, and so occasionally pray for me. You can pray about this.
sad.
I spoke with my mom just now. I'm so glad to be going home on Monday. Right now home feels like my safest haven. Where I can "escape" the various life changes that are occuring and hunker down in the big chair (I cried on the phone, so I think mom's sympathy will kick in and I'll get her chair for a day or so) and watch movies on the big TV, read on the patio and forget about real life for a little bit.
Now that the dam has broke on the tears, I think I may just keep crying a little all day. That's disturbing. Makes it hard to type, and my contacts are dry enough as it is...this isn't so helpful.
And its not helpful to know that some people (and even myself) would say, "Its not a sad time!" (because its not) "this is an exciting time!" (because it is) Because I can't put my finger on the exact sad points.
But I mostly think (and maybe I'm lying) that I'm simply tired. Last year I got to this point almost every Sunday durin the fall, and particularly the last Sunday of the season. By then I just couldn't hold it together any more. This season I've had to hold it together longer, knowing about Kess' announcement, trying to be bright for the guys, and confident so that they would be.
I imagine its often exhausting to be a parent and "never let them see you sweat".
I will sleep a lot when I get home I believe.
And I'm grateful for BSF and Hebrews. Because more than anything as I experience this time of change I remember that we have had GOOD times together here, but that the Lord did not intend for this to be the "be all end all" experience for any of us.
Its just a shadow of the things to come, on earth and in heaven.
I can't wait for heaven.
be blessed. T
Tuesday, December 14, 2004
Wednesday, December 08, 2004
Of Shadows and Smallness (part 2)
So I'm studying Hebrews right now - in BSF. I'm enjoying it a ton and grateful for Leah who helps me to make it there and back each week (!).
Last week we dove into chapters 6-10 of this deep book. It was all about how Christ is superior. A superior sacrifice (once for all vs. continuous), a superior priest (always lives to intercede vs. will die), a superior sanctuary (one where we can approach the most holy place with confidence vs. one only accessible to the high priest) and a superior covenant (one that depends not on human action, but God alone and that promises total forgiveness forever).
But it was also about how all those previous pieces (priests, sanctuaries, sacrifices, etc) were all shadows compared to the real thing. They were important and had value - most particularly, though, in pointing to the fact that something real did exist.
Well since then I've seen more and more shadows in the Old Testament - i.e. manna from heaven, water from the rock, etc. There are a ton.
And today I thought about all the men I've "liked" in my life. None of them has been, yet, the one I'm going to marry. But I believe I will get married (even as I approach the mid-way point of my 31st year). But they've all been shadows of the one I will marry. Each a little "more" like who I'd like to be with for day-to-day life, but none of them "it."
Its a relief somewhat, and helps me to say "he's just a shadow" when I feel the sting of unrequited affection (which I still feel regularly for a guy friend of mine). He's a shadow. He points to the real thing - he has many characteristics of the man I'm praying for. But the shadow simply is a reminder that the real thing - better in so many ways for its 3-dimensions, color and "self" - is out there and I simply need to look.
So that's one area the Lord has taken care of for me, or rather - one area I can recognize He's taken care of for me.
Now if I only knew what I wanted to do with my life, and how to do it. No biggie. :)
God is in the heavens, he will do as he pleases. Thankfully scripture doesn't leave it at that. "God's whim" - but it also says "He will work all things together for good, for those who love him and are called according to his purposes."
So I need not fear. But I will ask God to be small enough to hear me, tonight.
Love, Tiffani
Last week we dove into chapters 6-10 of this deep book. It was all about how Christ is superior. A superior sacrifice (once for all vs. continuous), a superior priest (always lives to intercede vs. will die), a superior sanctuary (one where we can approach the most holy place with confidence vs. one only accessible to the high priest) and a superior covenant (one that depends not on human action, but God alone and that promises total forgiveness forever).
But it was also about how all those previous pieces (priests, sanctuaries, sacrifices, etc) were all shadows compared to the real thing. They were important and had value - most particularly, though, in pointing to the fact that something real did exist.
Well since then I've seen more and more shadows in the Old Testament - i.e. manna from heaven, water from the rock, etc. There are a ton.
And today I thought about all the men I've "liked" in my life. None of them has been, yet, the one I'm going to marry. But I believe I will get married (even as I approach the mid-way point of my 31st year). But they've all been shadows of the one I will marry. Each a little "more" like who I'd like to be with for day-to-day life, but none of them "it."
Its a relief somewhat, and helps me to say "he's just a shadow" when I feel the sting of unrequited affection (which I still feel regularly for a guy friend of mine). He's a shadow. He points to the real thing - he has many characteristics of the man I'm praying for. But the shadow simply is a reminder that the real thing - better in so many ways for its 3-dimensions, color and "self" - is out there and I simply need to look.
So that's one area the Lord has taken care of for me, or rather - one area I can recognize He's taken care of for me.
Now if I only knew what I wanted to do with my life, and how to do it. No biggie. :)
God is in the heavens, he will do as he pleases. Thankfully scripture doesn't leave it at that. "God's whim" - but it also says "He will work all things together for good, for those who love him and are called according to his purposes."
So I need not fear. But I will ask God to be small enough to hear me, tonight.
Love, Tiffani
Of Shadows and Smallness (part 1)
This song (below) speaks to me often, but especially right now as I try to find my way in what seems like darkness. I hope that it will minister to you as it does to me. Its my prayer tonight.
Nicole Nordeman "Small Enough" (with Fernando Ortega)
Oh Great God, be small enough to hear me now.
There were times when I was crying from the dark of Daniel’s den,
And I have asked you once or twice if you would part the sea again.
Tonight I do not need a fiery pillar in the sky;
Just want to know you’re gonna hold me if I start to cry.
Oh Great God, be small enough to hear me now.
Oh Great God, be close enough to feel you now.
There have been moments when I could not face Goliath on my own.
And how could I forget we marched around our share of Jerichos?
But I will not be setting out a fleece for you tonight;
Just want to know that everything will be alright.
Oh Great God, be close enough to feel you now.
All praise and all the honor be to the God of ancient mysteries.
Whose every sign and wonder turn the pages of our histories.
But tonight my heart is heavy and I cannot keep from whispering this prayer:
“Are you there?”
And I know you could leave writing on the wall that’s just for me.
Or send wisdom while I’m sleeping like in Solomon’s sweet dreams.
But I don’t need the strength of Sampson or a chariot in the air;
Just want to know that you still know how many hairs are on my head.
Oh Great God, be small enough to hear me now.
Nicole Nordeman "Small Enough" (with Fernando Ortega)
Oh Great God, be small enough to hear me now.
There were times when I was crying from the dark of Daniel’s den,
And I have asked you once or twice if you would part the sea again.
Tonight I do not need a fiery pillar in the sky;
Just want to know you’re gonna hold me if I start to cry.
Oh Great God, be small enough to hear me now.
Oh Great God, be close enough to feel you now.
There have been moments when I could not face Goliath on my own.
And how could I forget we marched around our share of Jerichos?
But I will not be setting out a fleece for you tonight;
Just want to know that everything will be alright.
Oh Great God, be close enough to feel you now.
All praise and all the honor be to the God of ancient mysteries.
Whose every sign and wonder turn the pages of our histories.
But tonight my heart is heavy and I cannot keep from whispering this prayer:
“Are you there?”
And I know you could leave writing on the wall that’s just for me.
Or send wisdom while I’m sleeping like in Solomon’s sweet dreams.
But I don’t need the strength of Sampson or a chariot in the air;
Just want to know that you still know how many hairs are on my head.
Oh Great God, be small enough to hear me now.
Saturday, December 04, 2004
This Week in History
1) Its after midnight on Friday. One week after Thanksgiving. Four days after Kess announced his resignation. The campus is in shock, the kids are a little dismayed.
And I don't know where I will go or what I will do.
2) I am going to the Dahnke's Christmas tree farm and I'm looking forward to it - even though I'm going alone. Good car time to think and make calls. Good family to visit, who will give me a hug and welcome me as their own daughter.
3) I'm big into "numbering" this week.
4) I got a TON of stuff done this week - bulk mailing to 2000 recruits, worked on getting the addresses ready for mailing to 400 coaches and the high schools of our players (dave helped me a ton here), letters for the player's school mailing written and cross referenced the lists. Only transcribed 1/2 of two tapes though.. got to get on that on Sunday, I guess (or tomorrow after I return)
5) Bought some pictures from Photoworks (don't like their new site as much, fyi, and why is there no more black/white?!?) for a Christmas project. Now all I need is spray adhesive and I'm set.
6) OK, its 12:43, and I'm not productively "blogging" - just rambling. Maybe I'll post tomorrow (but no numbering) and try to dialogue about what its like to try and reassure the kids that all will be ok (which it will, for the record, God is faithful) and at the same time look for a job. Weird.
Love, Tiffani
And I don't know where I will go or what I will do.
2) I am going to the Dahnke's Christmas tree farm and I'm looking forward to it - even though I'm going alone. Good car time to think and make calls. Good family to visit, who will give me a hug and welcome me as their own daughter.
3) I'm big into "numbering" this week.
4) I got a TON of stuff done this week - bulk mailing to 2000 recruits, worked on getting the addresses ready for mailing to 400 coaches and the high schools of our players (dave helped me a ton here), letters for the player's school mailing written and cross referenced the lists. Only transcribed 1/2 of two tapes though.. got to get on that on Sunday, I guess (or tomorrow after I return)
5) Bought some pictures from Photoworks (don't like their new site as much, fyi, and why is there no more black/white?!?) for a Christmas project. Now all I need is spray adhesive and I'm set.
6) OK, its 12:43, and I'm not productively "blogging" - just rambling. Maybe I'll post tomorrow (but no numbering) and try to dialogue about what its like to try and reassure the kids that all will be ok (which it will, for the record, God is faithful) and at the same time look for a job. Weird.
Love, Tiffani
Thanksgiving reflections
1) I am thankful. Period. Simply thankful for it all.
2) Thanksgiving Day 2004 ranks in the top 5 of history for me, I think (I sort of "rolled" all the 'normal' family thanksgivings into "one", and all the times at Anne's family's into one)
speaking of that, here are some fun historical thanksgiving memories (in NO order):
a) ben losing his two front teeth when we were playing circus on the bunk beds.
b) making apple pies with anne and ginny
c) cooking with my mom and eating outside with glo and donna on the PATIO (last year)
d) hanging out with my friends (this year) and watching TV's and Movies while we ate
3) It was so fun to have my (local) friends here - well, a lot of them, for Thanksgiving. Laura and Andy, Kess, Dave, Steve Moore (not my cousin, the coach) and Dave's brother Brandon even for a short time. We made it a great time. Watched Elf, watched football, watched Bad Company (pretty funny movie with Chris Rock). Ate LOTS of food, ate LOTS of dessert (yum!!) - and the evening lasted until late into the night. Fun and relaxing.
4) I think I slept (on average) about 9+ hours per night the whole weekend. It was great, but I made myself want to stay up late and sleep in, so its been a tough week.
I wouldn't have traded that Thanksgiving memory for anything in the world. And, she notes sadly to herself, I didn't get a picture.
Love, T
2) Thanksgiving Day 2004 ranks in the top 5 of history for me, I think (I sort of "rolled" all the 'normal' family thanksgivings into "one", and all the times at Anne's family's into one)
speaking of that, here are some fun historical thanksgiving memories (in NO order):
a) ben losing his two front teeth when we were playing circus on the bunk beds.
b) making apple pies with anne and ginny
c) cooking with my mom and eating outside with glo and donna on the PATIO (last year)
d) hanging out with my friends (this year) and watching TV's and Movies while we ate
3) It was so fun to have my (local) friends here - well, a lot of them, for Thanksgiving. Laura and Andy, Kess, Dave, Steve Moore (not my cousin, the coach) and Dave's brother Brandon even for a short time. We made it a great time. Watched Elf, watched football, watched Bad Company (pretty funny movie with Chris Rock). Ate LOTS of food, ate LOTS of dessert (yum!!) - and the evening lasted until late into the night. Fun and relaxing.
4) I think I slept (on average) about 9+ hours per night the whole weekend. It was great, but I made myself want to stay up late and sleep in, so its been a tough week.
I wouldn't have traded that Thanksgiving memory for anything in the world. And, she notes sadly to herself, I didn't get a picture.
Love, T
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